Pending Apocalypse.

               In just about four days the very world that we've all spent our lives living on is supposed to end.  This doomsday countdown is going to spark a mixture of anarchy and spontaneity as all the certain doubt, in the minds of just about everyone, starts to dilute all because of those two, simple words, that seem to sprout like weeds in everyone's minds.  "What if?"  A lot of people are going to use the "What if" as a chance to do what they've always wanted to but never have, because time encouraged them to procrastinate.  So, what if?  Now that that question is in my head and hopefully yours as well, what if the prediction were to live up to all the hype and the world were to end?  What would you do?  What could you do in four days?  I wish I could say that I would do something somewhat cool and edgy like skydiving, rock climbing, or anything that a normal person would want to do if they got the chance, but I probably wouldn't.  Personally I think I would want every affair in order.  I'd go confess everything that I've held back from someone either because I never had the time, the nerve, or the heart to do so.  I would tell my friends, family, and teachers how much I'm glad I met them, because voluntary or not, they all had a hand in who I am today.  Which is not much, believe me.  The thing is, for the most part, I'm happy that I am me, ninety percent flaw, eight percent screw up, and two percent lucky.

               As sleep evades me once again, another question pops into my mind.  What stops me now?  What stops us?  As the world remains turning as it always has, our time seems limitless, that is until it's too late.  It's only at the exact point of no return does eternity turn to sand in an hour glass.  How does one get past whatever it is that keeps them from doing what they've wanted to do the most?  What is it that keeps one from doing what they've wanted to do the most?  Fear?  Laziness?  A total lack of motivation?  I think I've convinced myself that what I want is not in education and cannot be found in a university and that's the reason I don't try.  That I want something bigger, something meaningful, something true to myself.  And so far that part is true, that's what I want, but I think I also want the knowledge.  I rather not show it, because then I'd be like everyone else and I think that possibility is what frightens me the most.  I've concluded that for one to do whatever it is one wants, one has to know what it is that one wants, which I like to think I know but truth is I probably don't.  

               I guess if the world were about to end I'd be in a terrible spot.  Even if I had the little push that the end of the world gives you, I wouldn't know what to do with it, because I'm not sure what I want.  Which is strange to say the least because one of my biggest beliefs is that you need to have a strong sense of self, to know what you want, and to let no one change the real you.  I supposed I do have a strong sense of self and I sure as hell will not let anyone change me for the worse or out of personality, but I don't know what I want.  I know the simple things I want but not the future determining things.  I hope to figure it out soon.  Or maybe I hope for it to gradually come to me, as life goes on.

               Although it seems my insomnia has no intention of letting me sleep anytime soon, that's all I have to say for now.